


February

by DLiberatelyInIt



Category: Booksmart (2019)
Genre: Angst, Character study (sort of), F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Nothing explicit, Takes place post-canon, alcohol use, also i have no idea what this should be rated i'm literally just winging it, amy is amy, hope needs to go to fucking therapy, like after amy gets back from botswana, molly/annabelle is mostly background but it's there if you squint, okay this is literally all emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-18 19:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLiberatelyInIt/pseuds/DLiberatelyInIt
Summary: Amy and Hope try to navigate life after high school.But they really don't know how to.(All titles for entire work and chapters inspired by "February" by Beach Bunny)





	1. Season's change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy and Hope centric (Switches halfway through)
> 
> Amy returns from Africa, and everything feels right again.

The minute Amy stepped off the plane, she was greeted by the all too familiar atmosphere of airports. The extreme air-conditioning caught her by surprise, but she supposed it was normal given that it was August in the middle of a major heat wave. Before she flew over to the east coast post-Botswana, she had flown home to visit her parents and get her stuff packed and prepared for college. She packed light with only clothing, absolute necessities, and her school required materials since Columbia provided any and all furniture for their dorms. Leaving her parents once again was bittersweet, but she was excited to start college and start a whole new adventure. 

She couldn't wait to see Molly and discuss her first year at Yale. While the gap year away from Molly was sobering and gave Amy plenty of time to grow as her own person, she missed talking to her best friend in person as opposed to over Skype or FaceTime. During one of their weekly Skype calls, Molly had told her that she and Annabelle were planning to come pick her up, and they, in Molly's words, had a "special surprise" for her. Amy had simply blinked and let out an awkward laugh. She wasn't too concerned about said surprise; she just wanted to see Molly. She was like a sister Amy never had, so naturally she was beyond stoked to see her.

However, she was most excited to see Hope.

Well, maybe excitement wasn't the best term to use. Perhaps it was more like nervousness with a bit of fear sprinkled in, but with the added adrenaline, it still felt like excitement to her.

Amy had been able to keep in contact with Hope throughout the year since they had both elected to take a gap year. Hope took her gap year backpacking in Europe, which made their communication somewhat spotty, given Amy's limited data connection and the distance between them. When she wasn't calling her parents of videochatting with Molly, she was texting Hope. To her and Hope's surprise, when Hope flirted, Amy attempted to flirt back. It wasn't perfect; it was still a little clunky, but Hope found it endearing although she would never admit it. Amy was actually pretty proud of herself for even texting Hope in the first place since she knew that she didn't know how to act around pretty girls. Even though Amy had grown past that meek girl who couldn't even hold a conversation without embarrassing herself, she still had her doubts. 

Amy was still Amy; she was still the girl who messed up her geometry the night of Nick's party and the girl who followed Molly around like a lost duckling all throughout their childhood. That old Amy was still Amy and would always be a part of her no matter how much she changed. 

That's what scared Amy the most. What if she only knew how to be that high school Amy while she was around Hope. She had a second chance with her and she didn't want to fuck up again. 

Amy being Amy, turned on autopilot during her walk through the airport and became preoccupied by her own thoughts and self-loathing before she was roughly snapped out of it when she heard someone scream her name. 

She looked up and saw the only person that voice could possibly belong to.

Molly fucking Davidson. 

After the initial shock, Amy felt her face melt into a soft smile and rushed toward Molly, pulling her into a tight hug.

"Holy shit, Amy! Fuck, I can't believe I'm actually giving you a full physical hug after one whole goddamn year," Molly damn near shouted into Amy's shoulder. 

"Jesus, Molly!" Amy said as Molly nearly knocked her off balance with the sheer force of the hug.

"Sorry, sorry!" Molly pulled away, asking with her signature smile, "So, how the hell are you, and how was Botswana? Wait, did you tell your parents I said hi? How are Doug and Charmaine these days?"

"Botswana was great; everything is great, but my physical body feels like it's about to fully shut down in the next ten minutes, and my mind isn't far behind. Can I fill you in tomorrow? Please?" Amy asked. She was exhausted and honestly just wanted to take a shower and collapse, but she didn't want to push Molly for fear of inciting an incident similar to their fight at Nick's party a year ago.

To Amy's surprise Molly replied with a simple, "Oh. Okay!" Molly's willingness to drop the subject matter so easily was a new trait that Molly picked up from her time with Annabelle. Amy wasn't the only person who had things to improve on over the past year, and much like Amy, there would always be classic traits of Molly that would likely never leave her as Molly went on to detail her 20 page essay she wrote for her law final at "New Haven." 

Amy was happy to see some things never change.

Amy smiled at Molly and whispered under her breath, "God, Molly, I've missed you."

Molly continued talking about Yale and Annabelle as Amy briefly zoned out and looked away from Molly for a moment. Once again, her thoughts wandered to Hope, as they always did. She wanted more than anything to feel Hope's soft lips against hers again. She wanted another chance to be with Hope, and this time, she would get her geometry license. While she felt her face grow hotter just thinking about the girl, it wasn't long until old fears and insecurities had begun to resurface. What if things changed between them? What if she fucked up while she had been texting her from Africa? What if Hope didn't want to see her again? What if Hope pushed her away again like she had done all throughout high school? All the "what ifs" start to pile up, when she felt Molly shove her roughly, causing her to drop her bag. 

Amy's eyes widened in shock, sputtering aimlessly, "D-dude, what the fuck-" before her eyes focused on what was in front of her. Her heart immediately sped up, and she could hear it beating so loudly that if she hadn't had an extensive knowledge on the functions of the human body, she could swear that the rest of the work could hear it too.

Chatting with Annabelle less than 5 feet away, in all her 5'10" glory, was Hope.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When Annabelle and Molly had asked Hope to come with them to the airport to greet Amy after Hope returned from Europe, Hope was a little shocked. Ever since she got back from Europe, she had been staying with them at their dingy off-campus apartment, but even so, nobody usually invited her to things that meant something. She supposed she should be grateful, given that she actually liked Amy. A lot. Plus, Annabelle was the closest thing she had to a best friend. They never had sleepovers or shared secrets during school, but they understood each other, and that was enough. Still, she wasn't used to people caring about her feelings, so Molly and Annabelle's consideration had come as a shock. 

As she waited at the front of the airport for Amy, she found herself absentmindedly chatting with Annabelle. The conversation had begun pretty surface-level, ice breakers and what-nots. Annabelle had just been discussing Molly's unhealthy sleeping habits but Hope felt her face grow warm when the conversation abruptly turned to Amy.

"Speaking of girls, are you excited to see Amy?" Annabelle murmured with that goddamned sneaky drawl she tended to emphasize her words with.

Hope paused for a second and tried to play dumb, "What're you talking about?" 

Annabelle rolled her eyes, "Hope, I'm not fucking stupid. You don't just drive to goddamn JFK to greet someone who was just a one-time thing."

Hope knew she was right but felt her eyes narrow, "What are you implying?" 

"Jesus, Hope, either you're playing fucking stupid or you're denser than Amy," Annabelle said in a dramatic sigh. "You got in a car with Molly Davidson for two hours."

"Yeah, she's... growing on me. So what?" Hope replied with more venom than she previously intended, but Annabelle remained unfazed. She was used to Hope's occasionally nasty attitude. 

"So, you never wanted to spend more than ten minutes with Molly when we were back at New Haven. Plus, you're wearing something other than that godawful tassel jacket," Annabelle said in regards to the oversized denim jacket Hope had elected to wear today. Hope had bought it the day before, but she'd never tell her that.

"Fuck you, I like that jacket." 

"Hope, that's not the point. I know you and Amy were texting throughout the past year. That's why I asked you to come with me and Molly. I can tell you really like Amy, and that's okay. It's okay to be vulnerable, Hope." 

Hope didn't reply. She just stared at her shoes. 

"Dude, what the fuck is the problem with you having feelings? You're only human, although, sometimes, I do have my doubts," Annabelle smirked.

Hope felt herself laugh despite the awkwardness. "I, um, it's a personal thing. Don't worry about it," she said just above a whisper.

"What-" Annabelle tried to get out, but was interrupted by an all too familiar voice.

"Hope?" Amy uttered in a somewhat confused voice. 

Hope's eyes met Amy's as she felt Annabelle clap her on the back and whisper, "Go get her, tiger."

She swallowed the lump that had settled in her throat and made her way toward Amy. 

"Hey, nerd," Hope forced out. Internally, Hope was kicking herself. 'God that was fucking stupid. I thought you were gonna stop calling her that,' she thought to herself. To her surprise, however, Amy just smiled at her with that soft smile that had made Hope's heart burn since the 9th grade.

It looked like Amy was trying to say something, so Hope quirked her eyebrows and tilted her head waiting nervously for Amy to say something. Amy continued to struggle with herself for a moment longer before just electing to wrap her arms around Hope.

Hope froze for a second. She wasn't used to physical intimacy of this caliber, but she liked it.

Abruptly, Amy pulled away sputtering, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I should've asked first, I'm sorry. I don't even know if you're okay with hugs. I shouldn't have done that. Oh God-" 

Hope cut her off, "Amy, relax. Don't worry about it. It's fine."

Amy stared at her like she could see through her. "Are you sure? I mean, you seemed kind of uncomfortable, and that's exactly what I didn't want. I'm sor-"

"Amy you don't need to apologize. It's alright. I don't get very many hugs, I guess, so I don't really know how to react properly," Hope said, desperately trying to reassure Amy. The last thing she wanted to do was make Amy feel like shit.

For a moment, in the middle of the crowded airport, Hope felt like she and Amy were the only people there. Of course until Molly grabbed Amy's hand and yelled "SURPRISE!"

Hope paused for a second, thinking, 'I was a surprise?' but she quickly remembered the shock on Amy's face and supposed it wasn't a surprising.

Molly and Amy went back to whatever shit they talked about as Molly led them toward the car. As they walked, Annabelle nudged Hope's arm. 

"What?" Hope asked, to which Annabelle just answered with a knowing smirk. 

Hope rolled her eyes, well-aware she had just seen everything. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The drive back to New Haven was longer, or at least it felt long because Hope was crammed shoulder-to-shoulder with Amy in the back. Naturally, Annabelle called shotgun, even though Hope had a solid five inches on her. She knew she had been stuck in the back because Molly and Annabelle wanted her to be able to catch up with Amy, but it still pissed Hope off, given that her head was constantly thumping against the roof of Molly's ridiculously small car.

Annabelle and Molly were off in their own little world, discussing their bed sheets or whatever domestic shit they were preoccupied with. Hope was sure Amy could sense the uncomfortable energy that permeated the backseat, since she was trying to make small talk to cut through the awkwardness. 

"So, um, h-how was Europe?" Amy asked nervously.

Hope internally chastised herself for making herself seem too intense and subsequently making Amy nervous.

Taking in a short breath, Hope replied nonchalantly, "Europe was alright." 

"Just 'alright'?" Amy replied somewhat quizzically.

"Yeah, well, I'm sort of speaking by what my expectations were. It's goddamn Europe, like how could it not be incredible?" Jesus, Hope was becoming a rambler. Maybe Amy was contagious.

Amy smiled down at her shoes, "Well, I'm glad it was everything you hoped for."

It was clear that Amy was exhausted, if her somewhat slurred speech and red-eyes were any indication. Hope decided to hold off on any Africa questions until Amy was feeling less dead. Hope paused for a second trying to decide what to say next before replying in her classic cynical drawl, "I mean, for all the money I saved for it, Europe better deliver." She felt her heart leap into her throat when she heard Amy let out a breathy giggle. 

If Hope didn't figure Amy was sleep deprived and delirious, she would've thought Amy blushed as their shoulders brushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic in years, so HOPEfully it isn't total shit this time around. Let me know what you think so far.
> 
> Also, I didn't really proofread this so if there's something that doesn't make sense or some stupidly obvious typo, please let me know, and I can fix it.


	2. If you called me and asked me to stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope and Amy are reunited, but will things be the same as they were over the phone?
> 
> Hope centric.

They arrived at Molly and Annabelle's apartment approximately two and half-hours later no thanks to the east coast traffic. Amy was damn near passed out the second she set her stuff down in Molly's guest room, so the remaining three just decided that take-out would be the simplest choice. They figured they could just share the "family-sized" meals fix a plate for Amy if she ever woke up. Molly and Annabelle were broke, so Chinese take-out was the only decent food they could afford these days. 

After Annabelle left to pick up dinner, Molly took a seat next to Hope on the couch, shooting her a sideways glance as she sat down.

Hope just stared back before she sardonically spat back, "What?"

"Oh nothing. Just wanted to know what your intentions are with my best friend," Molly said just above a whisper, as if Amy wasn't passed out down the hall.

"What are you talking about?" Hope knew playing dumb was useless especially since she was talking to Molly Davidson. 

"Look, I know Amy's dense because I have been her best friend since we were literal babies. We spent every waking moment of our childhood together. Fuck, I'm like the Antslers' second daughter-" Molly said in her lecture voice.

"You know, I would absolutely love to know where this conversation is going." Hope asked in that familiar bored drawl.

"If you would let me finish you would have known what my point is," Molly snapped back before seeing the personification of Hell in Hope's eyes. "Listen, I know you have a thing for Amy, and for some reason, she has a thing for you, too." 

Hope interrupted Molly again, this time with a rueful laugh, "No. No she doesn't. There's nothing anyone could see in me that's possibly intriguing or alluring."

Molly replies bluntly, "Yeah I know that," eliciting an eye roll from Hope. "But all Amy did was talk about you when she was calling me from Botswana. She'd tell me about all the texts you two sent to each other and how proud she was when she would respond to a flirty text of yours without spontaneously catching fire. Obviously she does see something in you, what it is I have no idea, but I digress. I'm concerned about what this something is between you two. Amy is my best friend-"

"As you've stated many times before," Hope muttered.

"Can you shut the fuck up and just let me talk for a second?" Molly raised her voice for, surprisingly, the first time in the day. Hope lifted her hands in mock surrender, triggering a "Thank you, oh my God!" from Molly. "As I was saying, I don't want Amy to get hurt, especially by someone she really likes."

Hope just stared at her lap for a moment before asking in a voice more vulnerable than she wanted it to be, "You really honestly think Amy likes me?" 

Molly looked at her incredulously, "Jesus Christ, Hope, yes! That's what I've been saying this whole damn conversation." Molly's shoulders dropped slightly, letting go of the poised position she had been holding in their entire conversation. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that Amy likes you? I mean, you're tall, pretty, and for all the negative traits I see in you, Amy must see an equal amount of positive traits that I can't. I don't get it, Hope. I really don't."

Hope let out a humorless laugh, "Don't worry about it, Molly. Honestly, it's just a personal thing."

Molly opened her mouth to respond before the door swung open and Annabelle walked in though the door, muttering, "Molly, baby, could you give me a hand?" With that, Molly leaped from the couch, leaving Hope to reflect on her talk with Molly.

Hope thought to herself that maybe, for once, Molly Davidson did have a point.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

After dinner Molly and Annabelle bid Hope goodnight before heading off to their room, leaving Hope to finish up her nighttime routine and make herself comfortable on the couch. Despite being tired as shit, Hope couldn't lull herself into sleep because of the conversation she had with Molly. Molly did make a good point; Hope has very few positive traits. She was mean, condescending, and selfish. Where those "positive traits" Amy supposedly sees came from Hope had no idea. She doesn't get it.

Hope gets so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn't even notice the flash of auburn hair that walked into the living room. 

"Oh o-okay you're awake," Amy stuttered. Indeed Amy still had a part of the old Amy in her.

Hope let her face break into a soft smile, "Yes, indeed I am."

Amy's eyes darted down to the carpet, "So, a-are you- how are you? I know we didn't really talk much since I got here and I'm sorry for that. I've just been so tired and I promise that-" Amy froze. "And now I'm rambling, oh God, I thought I was prepared for this."

Hope felt immediately awful. The last thing she wanted was to make Amy feel uncomfortable, so without thinking, she sat up, looking Amy fully in the eyes, "Amy, you don't need to promise me anything, and you don't need to do anything special for me. It's just me."

Amy simply let out a breath that Hope figured she had been holding for a while. Amy moved to sit down on the couch prompting Hope to move her legs to accommodate her. Hope wonders if Molly talked to Amy about their conversation before she and Annabelle left for their room. 

"It's just, I don't want to fuck it up with you a second time," Amy confessed.

Hope's eyebrows furrowed, "What do you mean 'a second time?'"

"Nick's party. I, Jesus, that night was a disaster," Amy let out a frustrated sigh. "I really, really like you, Hope, but I don't want to be the same girl who messed up her geometry and ate a cigarette butt."

"Don't forget you puked on me, too," Hope teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Amy's face cracked into a smile, despite the red seeping into her cheeks, "No, I haven't forgotten. How could I possibly forget the most embarrassing moment of my high school life?" Once Amy's smile wore off, she tore her eyes away from Hope, realizing that their original discussion had been left needing a resolution.

"Hey. Look at me," Hope said, guiding Amy's face back to meet hers. "You are brilliant, beautiful, and the kindest person I have ever met. While I'm insanely glad you've moved past being Molly's little bitch," Amy tried to look away, but Hope led her back into her gaze. "but never think that you have to change for me because I don't give a fuck if you're still that stuttering mess that vomited on me the night before graduation after sticking your finger in my ass. That's the Amy I've wanted since 9th grade." For a second, Hope felt like she went overboard, like she shared too much, but her doubt soon turned to relief as she saw Amy's expression turn from clearly anxious to an obvious swoon.

"Hope I-" Amy's voice audibly cracked as she just froze to look at Hope. Their eyes met briefly as they both surged forward to catch each others' lips in a searing kiss. Amy's hand slid to the back of Hope's neck, pulling her closer, just as Hope's hands settled on Amy's waist. Amy let out a soft moan as Hope deepened the kiss. Hope grunted in appreciation as the smaller girl's soft lips worked against Hope's. God, she missed this. 

Amy pulled back, tentatively asking in a voice just above a whisper, "D-do you want to try again?" Hope knew what she was implying.

"Of course."

With that, the pair lifted themselves from the couch and made their way to Molly's guestroom.

Of course Hope wanted another chance. It was Amy. What kind of question was that?

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

The next morning, Hope awoke to bright sun-rays filtering through the blinds. She went to block the light with her arm before she realized that her arms were wrapped around Amy's midsection as well as Amy's back pressed into her chest. Typically, Hope would just pull away from any intimate embrace, however, she felt vulnerable, and for once, she was okay with it. 

Hope moved slowly to avoid waking the sleeping girl beside her and made her way to the bathroom. On the way down the hall, she ran into Annabelle. 

"Have fun last night?" she asked with a knowing shit-eating grin.

Hope simply rolled her eyes before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind her. When she was out of Annabelle's sight, however, she let a soft smile grace her lips before turning her attention to her morning routine.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Hope and Amy stayed with Annabelle and Molly for another week or so. The last week was enjoyable. The four girls spent the week sharing more stories from their year away from each other (minus Molly and Annabelle), plus, she got to spend more time with Annabelle, which was always an enjoyable experience. To Hope's disdain, she found herself growing more fond of Amy's best friend even when she sent Hope threatening looks mostly regarding their last conversation about Amy. Maybe it was her devotion to the auburn-haired girl, but Hope actually may have felt a pang of sadness when she and Amy had to make their journey to New York City to get set up and prepared for the year ahead. But she'd never tell anyone that.

Of course, there was Amy, whose freckles reminded Hope of constellations and eyes that flickered with the intensity of a thousand stars. Hope had given up the couch in favor of Amy's bed. She wasn't sure where they stood, but their bed-sharing agreement seemed to be wordless but nevertheless amicable, as Amy would automatically pull Hope towards her room or leave the door open for her if she happened to come to bed late. It wasn't only for sex; most nights just consisted of late-night conversations and soft kisses, and honestly, Hope couldn't ask for anything better than that. She liked the feeling of Amy's soft, sleeping form pressed up against her just as much as the contact between their bare skin. Most nights, Hope would fight off sleep, even if she her energy was drained, just to talk with Amy until one or both of them passed out from exhaustion. She enjoyed hearing Amy sleepily rant about environmental conservation as the smaller girl started to drift off to sleep. Hope's never been in love before, but if she had a good guess, it would be this.

Molly and Annabelle were set to send the pair off at the end of June. While Molly doted over Amy's well-being, Amy's attempts to reassure her best friend proved to be futile. 

"You sure you got everything?" Annabelle asked as Hope started up her piece of shit beater she bought after she landed back in America a couple weeks ago. It wasn't much, but it was hers.

"Yes, Annabelle, I have everything. I've only checked every room three times."

"Y'know Molly, wouldn't settle for three times. She'd shoot for four," Annabelle hummed, just quiet enough so that Molly was out of earshot.

Hope smiled and laughed despite trying to keep her cold exterior visible to the pair currently loudly discussing how often and how many times a day they would Skype each other so that Molly could see all of Amy's expansive college dorm room. 

Hope and Annabelle shared a look before Hope stood up and wrapped her arms around Annabelle.

"I'm gonna miss you, you know. Even though we're three hours away," Hope said in an almost too sentimental way.

"I know. Me too."

"Thank you for everything."

"Of course," Annabelle stepped back from Hope. "Just call if you need anything. Or, I don't know, if you just need someone to talk to."

"I look forward to it, Annabelle."

Before Hope hopped back into her car to join Amy, Molly yanked her down by her arm to whisper in her ear, "Remember what we talked about."

"Yeah whatever, Mom," Hope said, trying and failing to suppress a smile. 

Molly laughed lightly before turning serious again, "Take care of her. Please."

"Always," Hope said nodding sincerely.

And with that, Hope stepped into her car, and she and Amy made their way to their future.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Hope and Amy made idle conversation as Hope sped down the interstate. The pair hadn't been in the car long before Hope elected to stop at a gas station to fill up and run into the convenience store for a quick snack. Unfortunately for her, it wasn't long after they entered the store when the inevitably uncomfortable questions started rolling in. 

"Hope?"

"Yeah, Amy?"

"What's- what're we doing. I mean are we a thing, or is this just-" she sucked in a breath, "-for fun?"

Hope reached for a bag of Fritos, replying with her signature coolness, "Well, what do you want it to be?"

Amy looked away and furrowed her brow, "I-I mean, I don't know if you want the same thing as me." 

"So, I'm assuming that you want this to be more than just for fun."

The shorter girl hesitated for a moment before nodding nervously. 

Hope internally lit up at Amy's confidence. She still looked nervous as all hell, but if they had had the same conversation one year ago, Amy would have avoided the question and possibly wouldn't have even answered her. Hope felt overwhelmingly proud. 

"Well, you may not know what I want, but I certainly know what I want," Hope said in that deep voiced that dripped with confidence. Amy wouldn't know, but it was just an act; Hope was as nervous as Amy was.

Amy gulped as Hope moved in closer to her, reaching for her hand.

"Amy, I want you. Not for a night, not until I get bored. I want you for as long as you want me back."

Without hesitation, Amy's hands moved up to Hope's jawline, pulling her close for a gentle kiss. Hope kissed back with an equally soft pace. They only separated when they heard a middle-aged woman clear her throat behind them. Hope just shrugged it off and walked off to pay for her Fritos and other shit, but Amy's face had turned a vibrant shade of red. Hope giggled while she watched Amy sputter awkwardly as red cascaded down her neck. Amy Antsler, even with all her awkwardness, was the single most charming person Hope had ever met. 

The pair stumbled away from the gas station shooting soft glances at each other. Hope felt Amy's hand brush against her own, and without question, Hope wordlessly laced their fingers together. Amy's grip tightened around Hope's hand prompting Hope to lightly stroke Amy's soft hand with her thumb. It's not the grandest of gestures, but Amy seemed to appreciate it, though, as she pressed her shoulder up against Hope's arm in a way that made her brain short-circuit.

Yes, Hope thinks she may be in love. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

When the girls made it to New York, Hope made it a point to drive to Columbia first to help her unpack. Amy had asked Hope if she was sure she didn't want to unpack first, but Hope insisted. Amy's dorm was a couple floors up which made it a pain in the ass, but for Hope it didn't matter; it was Amy. 

Amy's roommate, Kassidy, seemed nice; she was younger, straight out of high school. She reminded Hope of Amy in a way; she talked too fast when she was nervous and struggled in social situations. She had a boyfriend, whose name Hope later learned was Ahmed, helping her move in. He and Hope shared sympathetic looks every time they'd enter back into the room after scaling two flights of stairs carrying heavy boxes. 

"The things we do for our girls," Hope whispered to Ahmed while Kassidy and Amy gushed about the beauty of Columbia's campus.

Ahmed laughed, "Only for them."

Hope simply smiled, thinking to herself, 'Only for her.'

After Hope and Amy had finished settling in to NYU and Columbia respectively, they made it official-official and started spending more and more time together, whether it be at each others' dorms or on dates around the city. It wasn't long before Hope started picking up on some of Amy's various nervous ticks. She had started taking Amy to nightclubs and bars across the city. Amy was clearly uncomfortable the first couple times the taller girl had taken her to bars with pulsing music, so Hope made it clear to assure Amy that they didn't have to spend date night in spaces like that, but Amy and her ever-growing confidence would insist on being able to handle it. Hope supposed that she should be proud of Amy coming more and more out of her shell, but she never aimed to make Amy uncomfortable. Amy didn't deserve that. 

Six months had passed, and the two soon became a regular piece of each others' lives. Hope's roommate was constantly off partying and pulling all-nighters, so Amy would typically end up at Hope's dorm when neither of them were doing homework, working their shitty college part-time job, or studying for whatever test, losing track of time and accidentally spending the night together. Hope had grown accustomed to her girlfriend's sporadic visits. Hope and Amy had gone back to LA for winter break to visit their mom and parents respectively. She had felt so used to Amy's near-constant presence, that she almost forgot about any and all of her self-doubt. She loved Amy, and Amy loved her; that's all that mattered. Of course, until the middle of February.

Hope had just finished her shift, as she found herself on the subway tapping her foot nervously. headed up toward Amy's dorm, knowing that Kassidy was spending the night with Ahmed. Hope's negative thoughts were starting to get worse, and as much as she tried to push them out, there was no stopping the constant flow of anger and disappointment at herself. She hopped off at her stop walking faster than normal to get to Amy. Climbing the stairs of Columbia's shitty housing complex, Hope knocked twice at Amy's door before getting a full view of her 200 watt smile. 

"Hi," Amy said, inviting Hope inside.

"Hey," Hope prayed that Amy couldn't detect the slight waver in her voice. She was losing it. Amy had started absentmindedly rambling on about her nasty professors, the garbage customers she served at Starbucks today, and more things that Hope didn't quite catch because she was too focused on Amy; how her eyes widened with each emphasized word, how she spoke really fast when she had something important to say so she didn't lose the thought, how her freckles moved every time her face moved, and how she deserved better than Hope. 

For the moment, however, she pushed her feelings down, surging forward to catch Amy's lips in a searing kiss, interrupting her story. Amy kissed back with equal intensity before pulling back flustered.

"What was that for?" she panted.

"I want you," Hope answered leaning forward for another kiss.

Amy, not being able to argue with that, met the taller girl half-way and reached out to push her typical fringed jacket off. Hope tore off Amy's t-shirt and led her backwards until the back of her knees hit the mattress. Hope carefully pinned Amy down, attacking her neck and sloppily pulling off her sweatpants. Hope swore this would be the best sex either she or Amy would ever have as to make her feel less guilty about what she was about to do.

When they finished, the pair resorted to spooning in silence trying to enjoy what remained of the moment. Hope's hands traced lazy circles into Amy's stomach while she pressed her lips to the mass of freckles set on Amy's shoulder. She glanced over at her girlfriend, who was still topless, reading a book. The city lights filtered in through the blinds casting a soft glare across Amy's face. Hope's eyes closed in a silent prayer trying to steel herself for what she was planning to do. A part of her told her she shouldn't, that she should let Amy decide, but every time she saw Amy's eyes sparkle with the kindness that had not yet been exploited by a cruel, uncaring world. A heart left unharmed by someone like Hope. For now, at least. Hope didn't need any more reminding; she did not deserve her.

Not able to bear it anymore, Hope's voice cut through the silence, blurting out, "I think we need to take a break." She regretted it as soon as she saw Amy turn around and her eyebrow's furrow.

"...What?" 

Hope knew she couldn't back-peddle from what she just said, so she kept talking. 

"Amy, we're in college. College is a time to explore, to try new things. I think we need to try something... else."

Amy's eyebrows shot up, "Are you dumping me?"

"No, I'm just suggesting-"

"So, let me get this 100 percent clear; you come over when you know my roommate isn't around, have sex with me, and immediately say we need to break up? After all we've been through in the last year; after you've called me your girlfriend for a little over six months? Are you fucking kidding me, Hope?" Amy was now sat up in bed, her voice rising in volume and shaking with frustration.

"Amy, I'm trying to make this easier for us, for you!"

"Hope, that's bullshit! And you know that's bullshit! You kiss me, you tell me you want me, and you come over to fuck me in my dorm room. How the hell is that making anything easier?" Fuck. Amy was crying now.

Hope got out of bed already moving to pull her clothes back on. "Fuck, Amy. I'm not having this conversation right now. You don't get it. I have my reasons."

"No, I understand you clearly. You got bored of me because our relationship actually requires effort, and that's not what you do; you just go around trying to get someone who'll give you physical contact whenever you want, and you leave when you don't think they're capable of giving you what you want anymore!"

Hope just stayed silent while she tied her shoes, not looking Amy in the eyes.

"Did you even mean it? What you said at the gas station on the way back from New Haven, how you wanted this to be more than just for fun? God, Hope, I wanted it to be real, but I never think it ever was."

Hope just walked toward the door, refusing to even look in Amy's general direction anymore simply uttering one more thing before walking out into the cold New York winter, "Bye, Amy."

She closed the door softly and started walking when she heard the door click behind her. She didn't hear it open again.

As she made her way down the sidewalk to the subway station, reflecting back on the things she'd just said. They were mean, and the way she phrased everything didn't make it any easier. . When they were at the gas station leaving New Haven, she had meant the things she said, but she didn't want to make it worse; it was better to just let Amy think that Hope never loved her in the first place, so she wouldn't think someone who actually cared about her was leaving her. She didn't even bother explaining to Amy why she was couldn't do this anymore. She was too damn prideful for that.

She boarded the train and stared blankly at the wall. Hope had been right all along; she never deserved Amy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know if this is worth continuing. I have no idea what the word count is on this so far since Archive apparently won't tell me tee-hee, so I'll have to evaluate how long future chapters would be based on word count so far. Also, sorry this chapter is so much longer than the first one. I think I should've just made this part of chapter one since this is technically still exposition. Oops.
> 
> No, I didn't proofread this chapter either. Let me know if there are any absolutely egregious typos in here, and I will fix them. Thanks.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback always appreciated :)


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